I know it's a temporary feeling, but my morale is low due to the incessant need of looking for a job, confusion of priorities, and the nag that tells me to be the best now. The time to figuring out is finished, and I have to embrace the truth that it's time to make those plans into motion. I'm frustrated, because I don't know how to find the job I'm looking for. The ads are the best place to start, but I can't find anything. And there's also a thought at the back of my mind that tells me to wait for an opening in the university, where I'm working right now. It's confusing. I see myself lagging behind once more as I missed the summer convocation and that I'm graduating this fall instead. I wait and wait some more, but in my other aspect of my life I'm also falling behind. My self-esteem and confidence are low. I absolutely hate it when I have to listen to other people point out to me that I'm falling behind, because it's obvious that I know. I'm just keeping quiet. I'm not giving up though, and I'm confident that everything will sort itself out. Just like how everything had been sorted back in university.

God, I just don't like this dry and aimless feeling, and that when I start to do something, it turns into crap. I also hate it that when I do something that feels important (for me), other people take it for granted despite working hard to finish it while bearing a low morale. What else can I do?

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If there's something that I need to fix about myself it would have to be worrying. I can't work properly when I'm worried about something. It doesn't do me any good, and it only disrupts my mood. People still worry though and I find it fascinating why it's a habit that we do despite that it doesn't help us with anything. Worry is a paralysis.

Why am I worried? I don't have a stable job, and I'm graduating. Money's tough right now and I'm about to pay for my student loan, so I don't know where I'm going to get the money from. I'm also learning how to drive and I'm not confident yet to even practice driving out in the streets. And I'm also having a bit of a difficulty with our church with the new arrangements in place regarding the music ministry. It might be one of those stuff typical for someone else. In the end, I couldn't cherish the present moment or concentrate on the task at hand properly. I'm trying to stay focused at my current work, but I'm not exerting my full effort.

Worrying is stupid and I need to learn how to stop doing it from now on. Please. The problem is imaginary.

Labels: blogs