I woke up at 4am. I opened my laptop so I could try to get myself back to sleep. I read manga and watched clips on Youtube. Then I went upstairs, because I was feeling a little bit hungry. After eating, I went back to my room to calm myself. Is it really calming myself? I wonder. I read some chapters from different mangas, but I still couldn't sleep. Then I started reading some of my old literature. I thought I was getting drowsy again around 6am, but it wasn't working. I felt like I'm reverting into something else when I felt like I didn't want to leave home.

7am, I closed my laptop. I still couldn't sleep or close my eyes. I've had this terrible feeling of debate what I would do today. Whether to go to work or not. It's terrible, I'm telling you. I'm feeling like I'm distancing myself from reality. I'm living in denial. And so it hit me: this might be depression reeling its ugly head again. I want to remember this feeling. I want to write it down, because I want to read it later this evening. It feels like I want to quit my job. I'm already slumped at school. It's winter, this is how I am during winter. I'm not a winter person, but it's not that I hate winter. I just want to be snugly and warm inside the comfort of my room, while being surrounded by the gadgets that I bought. It's like I wonder why I can't enjoy these stuff now. Maybe the lapses are to blame. I can't enjoy the 'free' time that I have.

I can't really explain why, but today has been difficult for me. For one, there's the issue of money again. I don't like talking about money, because I think I'm having an epiphany about it. I get no satisfaction from money. Like I'm wondering why I'm having a hard time staying happy in life. I know I get depressed, and I think I'm getting a better handle of things, but I shake my head that I can't enjoy the fruits of my labour. I may need some perspective check on life in general. I have this nagging feeling that I should leave school and work for a while, because I've suddenly lost interest in doing things.

It sounds simpler than you think, because I'm bored and I want to travel. Why? And why do I have to worry about my relatives back at home? Don't get me wrong, I'd love to help, and I currently help out, but whenever I earn money, there's always issues at home that somehow call out to me. I'm not obligated to give money or it's out of my responsibility, but I'd feel terrible of not contributing.

I think I've spread myself too thin on managing my websites. But the truth is just that I'm not able to follow up on updating on my content. It doesn't mean I'm quitting though.

My cousin came over to show me a demo of our MMO game. In my opinion, the June launch is a good date. He has a lot of things to fix regarding the system files. The sound stutters, and sometimes the game fails to launch. I also noticed that the game crashes when it closes. There's a lot of ironing to do and a lot of things to discuss. Around 7pm, we went outside to eat. Another problem arose when he said that we need a PHP coder for the platform. Apparently, no one knows PHP among us. We will need to integrate these to our database. We have the people for everything else, such as someone in charge with handling the funds, someone in charge with events, and someone in charge with the server files.

Around 8pm, I'm expected to talk to my folks in the Philippines via Skype; it's Sunday 10am at their time. I've finalized my plans. I'm just going to send the money home. It was a difficult Saturday to be honest. Nevertheless, it's finally February.

Labels: 365-project