I feel like a wreck. I'm anticipating a difficult weekend. With this exhausted and cynic feeling latched on my back, I can't help feel really bummed and sad about today. The goal is just to endure until Sunday evening. I have work today and Sunday. I've told my case to my mom what's happening to me and I think she understands what's happening to me. I got no motivation at all. I really don't want to go to work today or tomorrow; it's like an established fact in my head. I gotta to change it. But how? This is my recording as of 7am.

I heard my mom, dad and my sister's footsteps, because my older brother's treating them breakfast. Afterwards, they'll be going to a baby's dedication and there will be more food there. I could only lie on my bed and cry in a corner, because I have to work. I tell ya' I was an inch close to calling in sick again. But if I do, I'll be working two Sundays, which is not good for my health. Heck, this work is not good for my health. My emotional health, that is.

I haven't eaten anything since yesterday afternoon. Today's going to be a straight up fasting day. I'm fasting, because it helps me think of things that I don't normally perceive. I want something else besides food. I want to experience an epiphany. I want to find out how today would unfold -- with my stomach empty for almost 24 hours. It's like a situation wherein that I could say, "Oh no. I haven't eaten anything, how will God provide for me?" I'm putting my faith and testing God's grace, because I'm trying to expand my spiritual comfort zone.

I had another one of those movie moments. With my empty stomach, I had to run to the bus stop because I was running late for my morning bus. If I miss this bus, I'll be late for work for waiting for the next bus.

I had a last ditch effort of motivation just telling myself that it's just going to be like this for two days. What bums me is I'll be repeating this process on Tuesday and Wednesday. The Monday day off is a makeup day for missing out my responsibilities on other things.

Work actually ended at 4:30pm, instead of 6pm. Instead of feeling happy, I felt the dread that I'm going to do this again tomorrow. Today was really a difficult day for me. Tomorrow would be extra difficult because it's a Sunday. And I especially don't want to work on a Sunday. Almost everybody knows it's not a good day to work on a Sunday. But because I have to make up for my missed shifts, I have no choice but to endure another round. I can't really stress how difficult today was. Despite that we left early, the time was super slow, and I was cranky. But I didn't mess anything. My day went somewhat well. I'm just glad the half is over. Really glad.

I came home around 5pm. I wouldn't eat for another hour, but I wasn't complaining. If I didn't go to work today, I would've gone to a feast. I remembered. But that's all in the past. I played a game of dota, ate, web-designed, and read some manga. I feel better now. The most difficult part of today was the first two hours. Oh, boy. I thought I was out of my mind for being in the center. I wonder if it'll be the same dread for the first two hours of tomorrow's work. I really just can't wait to finish tomorrow's shift. I just want to finish it. Then Monday's day off. And then repeat, another two days of work, before I could really rest and relax, and do what I want to do. I'm paralyzed, eh? This is why I want to quit my job. But I need the money so I can take a vacation home. It's another cliche moment again: work hard and endure.

Oh yeah. February 14 is around the corner.

Labels: 365-project