It's that time of the year again. It's time to pay for my driver's license. $50 due on February 28, but since my cousin and I are leaving to get our heads shaved, I thought I'll renew it later. He sent me a text message at 9am. I blinked my eyes and tried to reply fast. I was still half asleep, so my texting thumb wasn't cooperating with me. It took me about a minute to say, "Yeah, let's go in the afternoon." Then I snoozed. When I got his reply, he asked what time we were leaving, I got startled, and then I sighed my relief; I told him we'd go around 2pm. I fell back to sleep. I had enough snooze until 12:30pm.

4pm. After all the businesses, like school and paying for my driver's license, my cousin and I head to the Chinese buffet so I could treat him for helping me with my errands. To both of our surprise, the whole place was empty and it seemed like we've reserved the whole place to ourselves. Everything was ready, the food, the waiters, the tables, it felt like a special occasion. It gave me an idea. I just had to remember the time and date; it was great.



We were so full. It was hard to drive. I couldn't breathe. When I'm full, I get high -- high in life, that is. I was so full and probably round, I just told my cousin to roll me to our front door.

Thursday night, I resumed my conversation with someone special. As for me, since it's one of my major decisions in life, I can't deny that I get scared and nervous. In business, building a relationship happens all the time. But when it comes to something more intimate, I always strive to be sincere and true to my feelings. I'm really careful. I don't want to go off as someone pushy, clingy, or even creepy. I don't want to get hurt by my true intentions. And I don't have anything else to say, except for the fact that I like her. I want to get to know her better, because there might be something in this 'relationship' that I would regret for the rest of my life if I held my piece.

Feelings and emotions sometime give off a negative connotation; we perceive them as inaccurate. However, when it comes to love, I just can't help act assertive and make the girl happy. I want to make her happy. I've asked this similar question to a character I've created in a novel -- which is more important? Your happiness or someone else's? Anyway, it's true that I'm not asking anything in return. When I search my deepest thoughts, I couldn't find the reasons why I love her. It's spontaneous. It's just the way it is, and I shake my head too. A wholesome attraction? I don't know how to describe it well. The reason I can think of why I'm feeling all odd and unusual is that I like her. I love her.

I'm flattered when she said that she's worried that she might be a distraction in my life. I begged to disagree. I got scared a bit, because I knew what it meant. It was an indication of something. But the thing is, there really is no reason for her to say that she's a distraction. I mean, I know how to manage and juggle my responsibilities, like the past 7 years here. My parents know that I'm seeing someone. My schooling is my business, and I'm not getting behind.

Know what? Before getting started on this matter, I've prayed hard and told God my desire. I'm looking at His schedule and providence. It's one of His grace that I want to experience in life. I'm trying out sorts of different things here that I want to fully grasp on His grace. Where is God in the city life? Where is God in this cold winter? Where is God in my time of joy and exhaustion? Where is God during my shortcomings? Where is God in my spiritual battle? Where is God when I've called in sick? I'm making a mess of myself, and I record these mess. But more importantly, I stand in awe of Him; I record and look back that these weren't really a big deal. I could see how He's in control in my life. No tragedy or whatsoever. Instead they get stuck to me as souvenirs.

I know how to manage and handle responsibilities. It's part of being a programmer to be organized and systematic. The most important thing to remember is to love what you're doing. And I certainly like what I'm doing pursuing to be with her. And it certainly is giving a lot of colour in life. It's a risk I'm willing to take. I'd rather give it all and fall in love this time. Love is a motion. I'm restless looking for you. I'm not asking anything in return from her. I just want to be by her side. I know the consequences of what I'm doing. I could only blow a sigh from the reality that if our relationship would not work, I'm prepared to get hurt. By the way, I'm not a masochist and I certainly don't want to get hurt. But that's life and if getting hurt is the negative consequence, I'm ready since I've signed my name on the dotted line for this journey. But I'd rather get hurt, than to let her get hurt. She's had her fair share of pain already.

I don't kid myself. Deep down, there's hope inside. There's this hope for the positive. Personally, I'm fine taking it super slow. It's not my design, but from the Highest authority. There are times that I think that we have a lot of different interests, but I don't really see them as obstacles. So what if we have different interests? We're not polar opposites. Nothing gets repulsed.

Even though I am giving it my all, I know that I have limitations. Just like what I've been doing in the past, I just do what I can, and I give what I can give. I'm pretty laid back and I love to sleep. I don't want to talk about money, I like playing videogames, and I watch anime. But I ponder a lot on deep thoughts such as the revelation of my purpose in life, reaching the epiphany of God's destiny, and self-arguing about the 'paradox' between destiny and free will. I can be simple and complicated at the same time. I remember that this is also what my psychology teacher had told me. I still think that a peaceful life painted in different colours is the best.

We eventually turned to voice chat. It was hard getting used to it first. I haven't heard from her for a long time and she hasn't heard anything from me either. So we kept the topics simple. We talked about different things; pretty much, I wanted to know about her. While on our conversation, my uncle called our landline and said that their laptop broke. And so they asked me for help. I told him that they can send it over to me, so I can take a look. I didn't want to pass up this opportunity and I could multitask, thus we continued our casual chat.

In the middle of our chat, my uncle dropped in with the laptop and I found out that the language in the OS got corrupted during an update. My room was in a mess. I had two laptops on my bed and the power cords drew a maze on it. My desktop computer (the one with the 32-inch display) was turned on for Internet reference, and the other laptop was turned on for the chat, while I was fixing on the other broken HP laptop. I got it fixed in an hour. If I only figured out booting the advanced boot options, I could've fixed it in 10 minutes.

The laptop was fixed, I sent them a message on Facebook, while keeping my line open to her. She was preparing for work, but then their Internet slowed down. So we had to cut it short.

This was my Thursday. Granted that it's pretty cheesy, but that's what I really write. And today was also productive in my opinion.

Labels: 365-project