It was a bit tricky writing my IT report, but it's finished. I couldn't really fit my recommendations under two pages and write my report in 500-750 words; I wanted to write more than 750 words. Writing a paper is not something new to me, but the task can still pose as a challenge. Writing this IT report was particularly difficult, because I've been feeling the pangs of depression lately. It's due from stress.


Exactly, Commander Shepard. Exactly.
Stress can be positive or negative. Something that causes positive stress is called a challenge stressor. An example would be maintaining that high position in the office. But when it comes to stress, it's the negative stress that people usually talk about caused by hindrance stressors -- or by the unpleasantness that comes from maintaining a responsibility. As for me, I don't know what to label my stress. I'm tired from this deep freeze weather, my work and school. I have a lot of responsibilities -- which is good and bad. To be honest, my stress mainly comes from work. It was difficult to fully recover from my flu, because I just can't take a break from work. Work eats my free time from school. Which makes sense when someone is a primarily a student, but takes a job to pay for tuition fee. I have no time to fully have fun. I couldn't sleep properly. I got tired of dealing with other people. It felt like everything was an effort.

Work isn't really important for me right now. It's not my top priority. But I can't just go calling in sick any day I please, can I? I also can't just quit, because it's hard to look for a job should I need money. I've been with my firm for four years now. I don't mind if they called me to cancel my shift. I would actually love that. For the meantime, there's no choice, but to endure the cold commute until winter's over and endure dealing with the pleasant people at work.

Looking back, I want to appreciate all the hard work of my last term. It went well. But I struggled a bit. I think when someone does the right thing while suffering would bear some meaning. Or is it the other way? We can only give meaning to something after it happened. Nevertheless if what has been done involves doing the right thing and when there's nothing to regret, then there really is no problem. Well. Isn't it? The fact is we're human and we have limitations. What's hard is during the stage of making it through the problem. It takes effort. It takes fortitude. It takes wisdom. And sometimes we would need help. I just want to live a meaningful life.

Encouragement. Maybe I simply just need encouragement. Maybe the absence of encouragement made me doubt what I'm doing. Maybe I am doing a good job after all. I've experienced a lot of bad. I had no feedback about my good. Thus I worry how the heck I'm doing. Friends, ask how everyone's doing. And tell them how they're doing it -- whether they did a good job or not.

There's no question about it. This long road to graduation is like the quest for the one ring. It's wishful thinking, but I hope that the recognition of a double degree gets more credit than simply stating "I graduated in university." I hope there's credit for a student who works part-time jobs to pay for tuition. It's true that grades count. It's true that employers base their assumptions on resumes. But I hope they can go beyond understanding my resume and appreciate the difficult process of surviving university. I intend to graduate on time -- no matter how long it takes!

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I don't know. Maybe because it's Saturday -- I work Saturdays which make me sour. Maybe I'm confused. Maybe I'm just lazy. Maybe I'm jealous. But I ask myself what have I been doing to my life up to now? I could only stare at the screen thinking about my life.

Maybe it's the cold weather. The winter here is a deep freeze and you can't do much. I don't want to go outside when it feels like -35C. It's hard to go around the city. So I feel restricted. I feel like crap. I want this day to end already, but I don't want Monday to come. Every week doesn't feel something new. What can make my rising sun new?

Happiness. We can't buy happiness. Satisfaction. It's hard to attain satisfaction. In economics, efficiency is making most out of something. I don't think I'm efficient enough or creative enough to attain satisfaction out of something.

Maybe I need encouragement. Maybe the stress seeped in without me noticing so it explains why I feel very tired. Maybe I'm disappointed. Maybe there's fear underneath. I just want to escape.

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I just wanted to take a screenshot of my previous term, before posting my winter dues. That fall term was a lot of work. A lot. I tear up whenever I think back to all those sleepless nights. Anyway, I don't think I'll make it to four courses in one term. My current two courses are already a lot of work for me. I thought ACS-1803 would be a walk in the park, but there's so much homework. Argh.

I think I found the working title for my new project. Again, the project for Sukitte Na Ii Yo anime and Sakurasou no pet na Kanojo, but I've decided what to call the Say I Love You part of the project. If this goes well, there's a lot of ways to play with it.

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It's just messed up. This week is just messed up. I missed three meetings at school, because I was sick. I missed one shift and it might cause some reliability issues, because I was sick. I'm coughing up blood, because I was sick. The flu damaged some vessels in my throat, and so there's blood in my phlegm.

I need to catch up to my studies, and I need to make up the shift I missed. It's ironic that if I get some rest, I'll be missing a lot. I can't find a day to get a checkup to my GP. I can only sigh and roll up my sleeve as I fulfill my responsibilities one day at a time. I'm tired of all the stress. This winter's becoming monotonous and depressing. Oh, free time, where art thou?

Labels: blogs