It was so cold when I woke up. I went upstairs to turn on the heater. I mean, why do they turn it off? They could just leave it on and set it properly. Friday was easy. I concentrated on designing a web layout with an experimental background. There was no lab today. But I wanted to concentrate on my personal projects for today. I have just gotten started. I can't wait for March as I'm still scratching my head what would happen.

February ended without completing the topics for our MMO venture. We still have a lot of things to talk about and they're more of the important topics. Some MMO testing would need to be conducted. Speaking of videogames, I'm also going to start writing on my videogame plot. I need to understand first my story and the characters. My goal is to have it running on June.

My T2202A have arrived too.

Labels: 365-project

Thursday came and Thursday went. It was just an ordinary day. It was pretty cold outside. At home, I used my spare time to make some drawings. While I was drawing one of my illustrations, I accidentally drew my auntie -- I meant, I wasn't supposed to draw her, but her eyes caught up to my attention. The end product was supposed to be different, but I posted it on my Facebook so she could have a see. I also started the massive coding for one of my web layouts, and it's all for a lousy menu. On the way other side of things, I sent a message to my relatives in the Philippines. March is drawing near.

Labels: 365-project

Wednesday at 12am, I have work this afternoon.

Just as I lied on my bed with my laptop on, I decided to log into my Facebook and check my feeds. I wanted to talk to someone. What stood out most on our conversation were two things, travel and identity. I told her that I'm super excited coming home, because I'm laying out a plan to go around Luzon in 7 days. Luzon is Philippines's largest island. I would have to keep a budget for the driver, vehicle, gas, the food, and the accommodation. I wonder if $1000 is enough. Then as for the other topic, identity, I couldn't help but laugh. I'm interested in women. 100%. I shake my head and I'm still laughing when I think back. I mean... why?

I went to sleep around 3am. I got up at 3pm. I had another brunch and left for work. It was a bit chilly outside. When I arrived in the office, there was nothing out of the ordinary. Work is slower than usual this week. It's supposed to be slow for the next 7 to 10 days. But as for me, work wasn't slow. I left the office at 10pm.

I overheard during my break at work that it would still be cold for the next 2 weeks. Colder than seasonal. That's why when I left the office, I was utterly surprised as how the winds have gotten cold. I thought my mp3 player was having a delusion when it played 'The Summer Song - Silent Sanctuary'.

Around this time, the temperatures should gradually warm up. I thought we've already put our cold days behind us. These cold winds are from Siberia. On the contrary, the temperature should significantly improve next week.

Labels: 365-project

It was an exhausting Monday, and it's one of those nights where I couldn't go to sleep even though I was super tired. It's now Tuesday early morning. I wanted to talk to someone before going to sleep. It was a no brainer for me. I logged into Facebook, buckled up my heart, and talked to that one special girl that's currently making my heart race. She was at work when I decided to drop a line. I asked her if she was busy, and I smiled when she said that she wasn't busy. I had no backup plan if she was busy; I would apologize and probably go surf the web or write until I sleep on my bed with my laptop still on my lap. I just wanted to recharge my body and soul by talking to her. It's the truth. Sometimes, talking really rejuvenates the body and soul, especially if it's the person that would make one happy. I told her that I wanted to chat so I could recharge. I was happy even though I was tired. Hey, there are people who are also happy while at the same time that they're tired. Take for example, when I've finished my school project or after a very productive day. We talked about random topics. I can't tell, because they're for my eyes only. But we kept it funny and quirky.

I went to sleep around 3am. I overslept and woke just before 2pm. I quickly opened my laptop, I was pleasantly surprised that she left me a message around 7:30am. I clicked my tongue and I felt bad for missing her pm. Instead, I left her a reply and bid her a good morning by the time she'd open her inbox.

Anyway, I got up and had brunch. My mom's cousin arrived home at 4pm, and I asked her why she didn't mention that it was her birthday this past Sunday. She panicked and said to keep quiet about it, or everyone at home would tease her. I just greeted her a belated 'happy birthday' since I missed two days to greet her even though she's currently staying with us. I mean, she woke up early and left Sunday morning, I had to go to my cousin's place after church, and then when I came home, she was already asleep. I wanted to greet her then. Monday, she woke up and left early, then I went to work in the afternoon (she wasn't home yet), and when I come home after 10pm, she's already asleep. That's why Tuesday, I made sure to greet her. I think she's treating us to Red Lobster this coming Sunday. It's fancy.

I'm expecting to meet with my brother today to open up an account. To make the long story short, he didn't call me and he never showed up. I waited for him while I was doing work with my webdesign. 6pm, he didn't call. Until 7pm, I stopped waiting, and just forgot about it to concentrate on my project instead. I'm working on two layouts at the same time, one of them is about 50% complete, while I've only started 10% of the work on second layout. But if both templates are finished, it would be a big help.

On another topic, I'm conflicted whether to set up a portfolio website or not. And I'm thinking of creating a mirror site to Euphoric Field, but with a different color scheme. At first, I wanted to name it Ebullient Future (Ebullient means cheerful and lively), but the name's taken. It has to be Ebullient Future. But how?

Labels: 365-project

Time to go to work. I woke up at 2:15pm from a crazy dream, took a shower and went upstairs to eat brunch. I slept around 2am in the morning, but I'll say that I had enough sleep. I had a very normal, middle-class brunch. It's nothing special. I don't care, it's still my favorite. Shrimps, mushy tomato, and rice. I love seafood. I actually prefer seafood over pork, beef or chicken. I wish I could live with a Greek diet. However, no Greek lives at home. Well, there is a geek that lives here. But... I won't push this 'joke' anymore.

Moving on, mom and I prayed, and then I left for work. It's sunny outside. It's not that cold, -17c. Windchill dipping at -29c. Still, I had no problem with any windchill, because the air was calm this afternoon. I arrived at the office early and I went straight to HR to change my schedule.

Work was fine, but it was exhausting. I was anticipating an early wrap, but no cigar. I found myself going home at 10:01pm. When I stepped out of the building, I got surprised that the air got colder. I put my hood on until I reached my ride. I came back home around 10:20pm, and I was hungry. I asked my mom what was our 'ulam' or what we're having for dinner. She said it's 'nilagang baka' or beef with cabbage and potatoes in beef stock. It's also another one of my favorites, just a notch below my preferred shrimp food diet.

I remembered the doodle I made from my break back at work. Around 11pm, I was conflicted whether to do webdesign or not. In the end, I tried to do some writing. Then I got stuck. I ended up playing Starcraft 2 matches. No one on my friends list was online. I miss playing with them. I hope I could play with someone I know.

Monday was pretty normal. I'm tired. But I'm happy.

I expect meeting with my brother tomorrow in the mall so we can work out a new cellphone contract from Rogers network.

Labels: 365-project

I slept at 2am and I hardly woke up at 8:30am. My dad said that the computer upstairs was acting up again, so I had to fix that problem before going to church. It was quick anyway. There was a lot of distractions. It's true that the devil would throw you a lot of distractions just to keep you from going to church. The devil makes it frustratingly difficult for something as simple as going to church in the morning. My soul laughed in disbelief how we had to overcome such a simple 'problem'. We left the house at 9:55am.

Something personal happened at church today. I don't think it would be suitable to expose it here. But let me just say that the pastor was able to negate the 'issue' that was apparent in the morning, and we felt the moving of the Holy Spirit during praise and worship. However, I shook my head at what had happened moments before the end of the service. I said to myself that there's a lot of work to do in this church. The pulpit is holy ground. I decided not to dwell on this matter anymore, as I'm looking forward to next Sunday.

While at church, I received a text message from my cousin saying that he'll swing by my house around 2:25pm. I told him I'll notify him at 1:30pm if there's a change of plans. Service ended at 1pm. But since my mom and dad were chatting to some folks in church, we stayed until 1:30pm. Unsure if we're leaving or not, I still sent my text to my cousin that we're going home. In the end, we came back home around 2pm.

I only had a hot chocolate before going to church; I haven't eaten anything yet. So I told my sister to hurry up cooking before it reaches 2:25pm. Fortunately, the stove was cooperative. I'm stepping out so I could replace the defective item I purchased this past Friday. Ugh. Such a hassle. On his way, I got a call from my cousin that he wants to borrow my spare keyboard and my spare videocard. I thought-- uh-oh. He's going on a spending spree again. Does his mom know how much he's really spending?-- On credit?! I gave him another of my two cents as to check and balance his intention. He's supposed to dedicate his baby on May, they call it 'binyag'. I call it dedication. Even though they call it 'Christening', there is only one Christ. Anyway, it's just my way of thinking. Moving on, I told him to take it easy. Like take it easy for real. But I felt his determination to finish building this 'dream' PC this afternoon.

I was planning to go to sleep in the afternoon after I get my keyboard replaced. I was not able to deter him. I found myself carrying two keyboards, and a videocard at the end. While he pulled up on our street, I found the folks riding in the car behind staring at me. We were thinking of the same thing; what am I doing? Goodbye lazy Sunday. Hello grind!

Anyway, it was all good. We drove my auntie to work again before 3pm; it felt like Friday again. Then we headed to the computer store-- again. We found the same clerk -- again -- for the third time and I'm imagining him thinking out loud 'these guys again?!'. I know. Well, if that keyboard wasn't defective, I wouldn't be really seeing you. Fortunately, and indeed I would recommend going to MemoryExpress, -- there, free promotion -- the staff at the replacement services was really accommodating. I just told him that two of the keys aren't working, namely the caps lock and the tab key.

He inspected the keyboard for half a minute and he said that he would grab another keyboard for me. I like my new keyboard; it's illuminated and it has a fan. A fan. Yes, a small fan. Well, I type a lot and I want to keep my hands cool. The staff didn't even ask any questions, and he didn't even test my broken keyboard to see if I was lying. He was trusting. I'm honest anyway. When he gave me the new keyboard, I asked him to test it out. All the keys were working and the fan was working too (not that I had a fan problem in the first place). It was easy and great. No argument whatsoever. I was pleased with the service. He asked me my receipt at the end so he could print a new receipt and to keep the alarm from going off when we step out.

My issue was dealt pretty fast. I walked over to my cousin to see what he was buying. I didn't want to know how much he was spending anymore. But I asked him to sum up everything he bought and give me all the numbers. I want to make my own calculation for future reference. Apparently, we had all the necessary parts to run his new computer. We left the store around 4pm. He said that he felt hungry, but he wasn't really sure about it. Perhaps his stomach was just knocking him a friendly reminder. I told him that we'd eat later instead. We didn't want to leave all these parts freeze in the car. Besides, I wanted to tackle his main objective first. I got mine solved already.

We arrived at their apartment a quarter after 4pm. He grabbed his tools and we unboxed every part. First, the radiator and the fans inside the mobo had to be installed. We had to unscrew his two big fans on top of his case. There was no problem installing the radiator on his motherboard. Afterwards, we laid the case flat so we can screw the mobo in place. But before we could do that, the external cover for the ports located at the back had to be placed. We had a hard time putting this simple aluminum in place, because the size of the cover doesn't seem to fit right with the opening. I cringed when I noticed that the cover became a bit damaged when we tried forcing the cover in. It had to be in place properly, otherwise, we can't secure the mobo properly. Eventually, we had it placed and we exhaled our relief.

Installing the Wireless Combo card was a runaround. The instruction said to unscrew the cover and insert the core-chip in place. When we did, the chip was already in place and there was nothing else to do. We re-placed the cover and put the card in the mobo. Stupid manual.

Next, we secured the mobo using 9 tiny screws. The second to the last screw failed. It was so small, it fell into the crevice behind the mobo. We tried a search and retrieval operation for this brave piece of metal. However, after 5 minutes of search and rescue, the operation had to be called off. Instead, we just grabbed a spare one. I covered the edge with paper, so that this won't slip and fall into somewhere else anymore. It was a success. The last one was no problem. Thus, the mobo's officially screwed.

He placed his two 8GB DDR3 RAM like an excited kid. Then we installed the WIFI's antenna. Around 6pm, we tried figuring out where to plug all the wires from his casing to his mobo. It was a tedious work reading the layout on the mobo with the font size set to .001 in RL. Our cheesy Filipino music also stopped. I couldn't concentrate, so I logged into Youtube and picked my playlist. Now work can resume. I asked him if the casing had a manual so we could figure out what to do with the wires. Unfortunately, there isn't. Okay. We'll just wing it.

Around 7pm, it was time to install the power supply. I was getting sleepy. And it felt like I did some serious yoga just to properly see where we're installing each part. When the power supply was in place, we checked the manual for the ATX power supply pins. He installed the DVD-ROM and the harddisk too, so we can plug them with the SATA and the power supply. We followed what the manual said. At this point, 7:30pm, the casing and the fans are done, the mobo is secured, the processor tucked in, the wireless card is in, the two 8GB RAMs are inserted, the power supply is placed, the harddisk and the ROMs are hooked up, and I grabbed my spare videocard. Upon inserting the videocard, I asked him his Windows 8 CD, and we plugged in my spare keyboard. He hooked his 23.6" monitor into the VGA adapter. We plugged the computer itself into the electricity, crossed our fingers and pressed the power button. 8pm, we looked at each other why the computer wasn't turning on.

I sighed.

The mobo's LED is on, and it seems like we've done the right job of plugging every pin. I had a hunch and read the mobo's manual again. I knew that the motherboard wasn't getting enough power. But we had an 850-watt power supply. That's already too much. Then I had a thought that the power supply might be defective, because the fans weren't working and the power supply's fan itself isn't doing anything. However, the LED lights are on for the mobo. I checked the manual again and found three diagrams in the instruction that had 'OR' on it. We chose the second illustration. I thought that might be what's wrong. We had to unscrew the radiator and the two uppermost fans so we could plug another 4-pin into the slots. Then we placed the second 4-pin cable into the 8-pin slot -- so there were two 4-pin cables attached. I told him just to place three screws on the radiator. Then we pressed the power button again. It was the moment of truth. And the truth revealed that there was something wrong again as the mobo seemed to be receiving power, but the computer isn't turning on.

The videocard wasn't running. The fans aren't rotating. There was no noise in the harddisk. It was just quiet. As if this computer was mocking us. I even asked my cousin if we were pressing the right button, the power button, since it wasn't labeled yet due to the removed cover. I lied on the bed for a few minutes, because all that yoga made my back act up. It was now or never, we chose the second and the third illustration. It was clear that the mobo wasn't getting enough power to turn on. We picked the remaining illustration, we just plugged in 4 pins into the 4-pin slot separate from the 8-pin. Long story short, the computer turned on. I slapped my forehead. The instructions that had "OR" wasn't clear enough to save us from an hour of miserable second guessing.

8:30pm. It was time to install Windows 8. We also had to pick up my auntie from St. Amant at 9pm. I was so tired from the impromptu yoga and the troubleshooting. But three pieces of marshmallows kept me cool. Well, they were lying on the counter. Around 8:39pm, we left the apartment and my cousin insisted that we pick up her mom first so he could treat me. Again, he was very persuasive, and I found myself just keeping quiet without retort in the SUV while driving to St. Amant.

9:10pm-ish, auntie exits the hospital. I felt a bit embarrassed, because we already drove her there, and I was still bothering them when it was time to go home. I rode shotgun too, when I should've gone to the back. I felt a bit embarrassed too, because I didn't want auntie to know that we were going to McD's first. I mean, she's already tired and I'm sure she wanted to go home already. But my cousin insisted with the treat. It's his fault! Also my pesky sister and my dad also wanted something from McD's too. They told me what they wanted as soon as I stepped out of the door. I mean... really? Well, since I'm really kind, thoughtful, considerate, and gullible, I bought them their share too. So it took some extra minutes of waiting for auntie. On our way home, I told my cousin we'd go to Starbucks on Sunday and that we'd let my sister tag along. There. Happy? My sister's like she's on her period when she doesn't get her Starbucks. Pfft. As if she's paying for it *looks at my wallet*.

They were watching the replay of the Winter Olympics when I came home. I watched a little bit and then I plugged my gaming keyboard to test it out. Everything seemed to be running fine. I checked my Facebook. I hesitated to send her a message, because I felt like perhaps I was rushing into things -- indeed, I thought. So I held it off for the day. She was probably busy too since it was noon at her time. I didn't want to bother her, even though my selfishness wanted to say hi to her. I went to bed and opened my laptop to write. I expect to change my work schedule tomorrow.

Labels: 365-project

Saturday started out dull in my opinion. I was somewhat awake going to the office in the morning. But when my shift started, it felt like I lost all my energy. My arms kept typing with my tired eyes. I was passing out during my first two hours. Things started to pick up around 1pm, except for my heartbeat. I thought to myself that it's another one of those drowsy Saturdays in the office. It was a bit difficult during the first four hours. I wouldn't see a surprise on the fifth hour. I took my break at 4pm. I was still on break, when the superiors decided to end the shift. I just laughed inside. To be honest, I didn't want to go home yet, and it felt like I wanted to go on until 6pm because of all my hard fought 5 hours; like I didn't want it to go to waste now, and I could still stretch myself further. But they drove me a hard bargain. So I left the office to go home instead. Tsk. I didn't want to enjoy a nice Saturday afternoon. I wanted to be stuck in the office instead!

I felt so relieved. I'm just glad that work ended early.

Anyway, I came home at 4:45pm. I opened my computer, so I could write. My fasting doesn't end until 6pm. I forgot to mention that I was fasting too when I was in the office. It's my usual Saturday. I tried figuring out what to do next in front of my computer. I opened my Facebook. Then I opened my drawing software. I grabbed my pentab so I could draw an illustration for my novel. Unfortunately, I wasn't satisfied with the result. Oh well, I thought; it took me some time drawing anyway. With the Facebook on peeking on the taskbar, I received a message from the girl that claimed a piece of my heart.

I wouldn't want to spill what she had said here. It's pretty intimate. But I knew what she was meaning to tell me. I understood what she was trying to express me, because from her past experiences. I tilted my head on one side, folded my arms, and read on. I knocked on my heart what to say. And from then on, everything was just spontaneous. I reassured her that I have no other intention but to come to her and love her. It can be as simple as that I'm attracted to her. It can be as complicated as pursuing her with all I can, because I don't want to regret such important feelings if I ignored them. I don't want to get scarred from any regret. From the bottom of my heart, I just want to make her happy. I am aware of the reality that I may not accomplish this dream, but I have no intention to hurt her -- not in any way. I told her that it would be my loss if this relationship doesn't work. She has no reason to cry too. After all, it would be my loss. So I'm doing all I can, and I'm praying hard that our relationship would grow to infinity and beyond. I'm acting on my free will. It's my conviction to approach her and confess my feelings. And I'm really happy that she's giving her honest thoughts about what we're building.

This is what fasting does to me, I guess. I start to see, feel and taste things I haven't experienced before. I feel so alive right now.

Or perhaps, I'm just hungry and I was starting to get delirious. 6pm, I went to the kitchen to eat something. I continued on with my drawing after eating. Tomorrow's Sunday and I'm expected to teach the youth ministry. They've also put The Desert Song in one of the Praise and Worship lineup. I haven't even practiced with them, since I was a work. I was surprised that they'd add a difficult song knowing that I had no practice. I just shrugged it off; I'm not real worried.

Labels: 365-project

Friday was relatively light. I spent some time chatting with my special someone in the morning. My laptop is always an arm's reach away from my bed. So when I woke up around 7am, I opened my laptop and played music to set my mind. Then we had voice chat around 7:30pm until 9:30pm. For two hours, huh? Who knew? It was fast and the topics were random. We just spread ourselves talking about different things. For me, it was fine. As long as I could hear her voice and talk to her. Ironically, she kept asking me if I had questions about her, and the truth is I didn't know what to ask. I was just listening. As for me, I'm more personal when in writing. But whichever method of communication is fine at this point. Apparently she has a cold and I was arguing with myself to cut it short so she could go to sleep, but I wanted to talk to her more. It's silly. In the end, we just had to keep it two hours long. Or two hour short.

I went back to catch my snooze afterwards since it's so quiet that such peace is singing a lullaby. I'm extra lazy during Fridays off when there's no lab. Saturdays are just-- ugh. I have no more feelings for weekends anymore. This is my struggle, because it looks so pleasant to stay home on Saturdays whenever everyone is at home. Don't even get me started working on Sundays. I absolutely dread the experience. Thus whenever I put on my shoes, and see my folks just taking it easy, my heart aches with envy. Although I tell myself to endure for a little while. I'm giving it one more year in my firm. And then who knows what will happen next. Just this year. And that's it.

Come afternoon I sent a text to my cousin about later's errand. He's buying another expensive item. A $500 purchase, and with that amount, banks already consider it a major purchase. At first, I was hesitant to go because I was still groggy and I didn't want to spend. Around 2pm, I changed my mind. I felt embarrassed, because he asked me to go with him yesterday. So I tagged along as the busybody.

The weather was odd today. Strong winds are blowing the snow from all direction. My cheeks blushed, I noticed. Anyway, we drove to our destination unscathed. He helped a disabled man up the ramp on his wheelchair, and we entered the store. He bought his stuff, I bought my stuff. Then my stomach started churning, so we headed drove to McD's because of his perks. Moreover, my classmate was on the cashier, so it's all good. I came back home at 4pm and tried my new gadgets. One of my two purchase has a slight defect. It's such a hassle. I told him we're going back on Sunday to replace it.

No lab today. I'm glad. We had 'lugaw' or rice porridge for dinner, as it's perfect for the weather. Some hashbrowns as well and an original recipe handed down from my grandpa called 'alangkopya'. It's basically cheese, pork and beans sauce, and chicken. My grandpa knows how to prepare it best. I just shake my head how we're far off from how it should taste. Friday evening, my cousin went home after after his share of porridge. Both of us have Saturday shifts. Bleah.

I started time framing on a video project. I'm looking at the ceiling trying to spice it up. I may have to use a different software. The fx I'm looking for isn't present on the simplest movie maker. Anyway, everyone's gone to bed around 11pm. I'm just trying get myself to sleep.

Labels: 365-project

It's that time of the year again. It's time to pay for my driver's license. $50 due on February 28, but since my cousin and I are leaving to get our heads shaved, I thought I'll renew it later. He sent me a text message at 9am. I blinked my eyes and tried to reply fast. I was still half asleep, so my texting thumb wasn't cooperating with me. It took me about a minute to say, "Yeah, let's go in the afternoon." Then I snoozed. When I got his reply, he asked what time we were leaving, I got startled, and then I sighed my relief; I told him we'd go around 2pm. I fell back to sleep. I had enough snooze until 12:30pm.

4pm. After all the businesses, like school and paying for my driver's license, my cousin and I head to the Chinese buffet so I could treat him for helping me with my errands. To both of our surprise, the whole place was empty and it seemed like we've reserved the whole place to ourselves. Everything was ready, the food, the waiters, the tables, it felt like a special occasion. It gave me an idea. I just had to remember the time and date; it was great.



We were so full. It was hard to drive. I couldn't breathe. When I'm full, I get high -- high in life, that is. I was so full and probably round, I just told my cousin to roll me to our front door.

Thursday night, I resumed my conversation with someone special. As for me, since it's one of my major decisions in life, I can't deny that I get scared and nervous. In business, building a relationship happens all the time. But when it comes to something more intimate, I always strive to be sincere and true to my feelings. I'm really careful. I don't want to go off as someone pushy, clingy, or even creepy. I don't want to get hurt by my true intentions. And I don't have anything else to say, except for the fact that I like her. I want to get to know her better, because there might be something in this 'relationship' that I would regret for the rest of my life if I held my piece.

Feelings and emotions sometime give off a negative connotation; we perceive them as inaccurate. However, when it comes to love, I just can't help act assertive and make the girl happy. I want to make her happy. I've asked this similar question to a character I've created in a novel -- which is more important? Your happiness or someone else's? Anyway, it's true that I'm not asking anything in return. When I search my deepest thoughts, I couldn't find the reasons why I love her. It's spontaneous. It's just the way it is, and I shake my head too. A wholesome attraction? I don't know how to describe it well. The reason I can think of why I'm feeling all odd and unusual is that I like her. I love her.

I'm flattered when she said that she's worried that she might be a distraction in my life. I begged to disagree. I got scared a bit, because I knew what it meant. It was an indication of something. But the thing is, there really is no reason for her to say that she's a distraction. I mean, I know how to manage and juggle my responsibilities, like the past 7 years here. My parents know that I'm seeing someone. My schooling is my business, and I'm not getting behind.

Know what? Before getting started on this matter, I've prayed hard and told God my desire. I'm looking at His schedule and providence. It's one of His grace that I want to experience in life. I'm trying out sorts of different things here that I want to fully grasp on His grace. Where is God in the city life? Where is God in this cold winter? Where is God in my time of joy and exhaustion? Where is God during my shortcomings? Where is God in my spiritual battle? Where is God when I've called in sick? I'm making a mess of myself, and I record these mess. But more importantly, I stand in awe of Him; I record and look back that these weren't really a big deal. I could see how He's in control in my life. No tragedy or whatsoever. Instead they get stuck to me as souvenirs.

I know how to manage and handle responsibilities. It's part of being a programmer to be organized and systematic. The most important thing to remember is to love what you're doing. And I certainly like what I'm doing pursuing to be with her. And it certainly is giving a lot of colour in life. It's a risk I'm willing to take. I'd rather give it all and fall in love this time. Love is a motion. I'm restless looking for you. I'm not asking anything in return from her. I just want to be by her side. I know the consequences of what I'm doing. I could only blow a sigh from the reality that if our relationship would not work, I'm prepared to get hurt. By the way, I'm not a masochist and I certainly don't want to get hurt. But that's life and if getting hurt is the negative consequence, I'm ready since I've signed my name on the dotted line for this journey. But I'd rather get hurt, than to let her get hurt. She's had her fair share of pain already.

I don't kid myself. Deep down, there's hope inside. There's this hope for the positive. Personally, I'm fine taking it super slow. It's not my design, but from the Highest authority. There are times that I think that we have a lot of different interests, but I don't really see them as obstacles. So what if we have different interests? We're not polar opposites. Nothing gets repulsed.

Even though I am giving it my all, I know that I have limitations. Just like what I've been doing in the past, I just do what I can, and I give what I can give. I'm pretty laid back and I love to sleep. I don't want to talk about money, I like playing videogames, and I watch anime. But I ponder a lot on deep thoughts such as the revelation of my purpose in life, reaching the epiphany of God's destiny, and self-arguing about the 'paradox' between destiny and free will. I can be simple and complicated at the same time. I remember that this is also what my psychology teacher had told me. I still think that a peaceful life painted in different colours is the best.

We eventually turned to voice chat. It was hard getting used to it first. I haven't heard from her for a long time and she hasn't heard anything from me either. So we kept the topics simple. We talked about different things; pretty much, I wanted to know about her. While on our conversation, my uncle called our landline and said that their laptop broke. And so they asked me for help. I told him that they can send it over to me, so I can take a look. I didn't want to pass up this opportunity and I could multitask, thus we continued our casual chat.

In the middle of our chat, my uncle dropped in with the laptop and I found out that the language in the OS got corrupted during an update. My room was in a mess. I had two laptops on my bed and the power cords drew a maze on it. My desktop computer (the one with the 32-inch display) was turned on for Internet reference, and the other laptop was turned on for the chat, while I was fixing on the other broken HP laptop. I got it fixed in an hour. If I only figured out booting the advanced boot options, I could've fixed it in 10 minutes.

The laptop was fixed, I sent them a message on Facebook, while keeping my line open to her. She was preparing for work, but then their Internet slowed down. So we had to cut it short.

This was my Thursday. Granted that it's pretty cheesy, but that's what I really write. And today was also productive in my opinion.

Labels: 365-project

This is the 50th entry? Wow. I'm on a roll.

As for Wednesday, work. Even though work was hectic in the office, it's all good since I'm saving for my vacay time in the Philippines. I have a lot of reasons why I need to go home. One of them is that it has been almost 7 years. It may not be less dramatic as being away for 10 years, but 7 years is still a long time. Come to think of it, if I come home next year, it would be the 10th year since I've graduated from my high school there. Reunion? Perhaps, but with the date in mind, I don't think I'll be able to join them. Anyway, I need to go home. It's a progress too since my dad had started talking about a target date. Goody goody gumdrops. I'm not worried about the airfare. God will provide.

Labels: 365-project

It was an easygoing Tuesday. I wrote a couple of stuff for the 365 project and made some adjustments to this site. I just needed to rest. I started designing another web layout and I'm about 25% complete on this particular layout. There's more to come. I also started sketching on a character for Project X named Jericho. But I have yet to write on a new chapter for Project AI. I sent a message to my cousin that we're going to have our haircut on Thursday. I got work tomorrow. Nope. I'm not bummed out. It's payday this Friday. Wee!

Labels: 365-project

It's Louis Riel day. A non-working holiday. I could hear noise upstairs. Ah. Everyone's here. But I think mom has work today. Again with work.

I opened my laptop and I got a pleasant surprise from someone. I got a message from her close friend. Her friend knows about what had transpired these past few days. When I think back, it has been just a few days, right? One at a time, I told myself. I still have a few tricks up my sleeve. She told me different stuff, and of course I wouldn't really spill what she had said here (except for my own thought), but I just smiled that she really has caring friends and I've seen this scene before. Bestfriends as close as sisters, they would give their two cents on a relationship so they can protect each other. I'm close friends with her cousin. In essence, I told her that I really do love her, and that I would take care of her, and do my best to make her happy. I told her that I wouldn't hurt her, because that would only disappoint both God and my parents as well. I've been writing and writing all these time that I wouldn't want to disappoint my parents or give shame to them, because it would severely hurt me as well. I mean, she was carefully brought out to be the woman that she is, by her caring mom and dad, and I don't have the stomach to destroy as such. I added that I hope we could meet during vacay time, so that we could spend some bonding time with her and her friends-- with my friends as well-- well we're all friends in our high school batch. Our classes, the three special sciences sections are a tight knit group. We just exchange greetings, but I nodded with a smile.

Around the afternoon, I've seen photos of my relatives skating. Oh yeah, the Red River is frozen now, so everyone skates at the Fork's, a mall near the river. And it wasn't that cold outside too, around -7 to -3C? That wouldn't hurt your ears, so it's still not that cold. I was thinking I could've gone skating too, but everyone else was busy sleeping. It's a given holiday, so yeah. I just polished my latest webdesign work called the BOSS layout. As for now, I'll keep it a secret in here.

Come evening, I was thinking of resuming my chapter to my novel called Project AI (Alphanumeric Inkception). You can just type Alphanumeric Inkception in Google and you'll find it in MangaFox. But you have to be members in order to read it. Anyway, I wanted to draw a cheesy line to make up for the long hiatus and for my readers to keep themselves delighted with my story. I like this character named Ices, she's insane. And sincere. And in love with Angelo. Well, you can read it, but I have yet to tell why she was in love with that guy.

I also had a chat with my friend in the Philippines who's drawing concept art for me. I'm pleased with his work for me and his own progress as a budding artist. He's making scenes now, which is awesome. I can't draw scenes. Anyway, I've finally decided to name the second protagonist as Jericho, a check and balance character to rival Drake. I've told him two male profiles to practice on his drawing as he's told me that drawing males is easier. I've asked him to draw two female characters, and I like what I've seen. I'm going to start writing Jericho drafts later this week. I told him that we should meet when I come home. It's my insistence, but why does he insist on not accepting my gift? I'm not putting him on the spot, am I?

Labels: 365-project

As scheduled with my cousin, we're going to get his mobo + processor at the computer shop this afternoon. I woke up around 8:30am, and checked my Facebook. Some things made me smile when I logged in. It's a secret. Church was great as the praise and worship was tight and the congregation felt the Holy Spirit at the end. We started Sunday school for the youth and they've announced that there will be a curriculum for the rest of the year. So Bible study will no longer be sporadic at church. I'll be teaching this Sunday. There was also a baby shower after the service. I came home early, because of the business later.

I came home sat on the couch without changing my coat. He was going to pick me up around 3:20pm, then were off to buy the mobo + processor. Around that time, I saw their SUV pull up in front of the house. I put on my scarf and my gloves and headed out. It wasn't that cold outside and I should've just left them at home; you should know why later. My auntie was also going to work, so we drove to St. Amant hospital first. She asked me where we were going, I just casually answered that it's up to my cousin. Does she know that we're buying a $600+ item?

My auntie also asked if my mom is busy. I told her that work is slow on her primary job, and that she's using her days off on her other job at the mall. I added that my mom should just take it easy on these days off, because like everybody else, people get cranky when they're exhausted. I could testify for myself. I would just take it easy. But my mom chooses to work. She says she just wants to help my dad. My auntie was going to work on a Sunday by the way. My mom and her relatives are hard working, so it was pretty much useless to suggest otherwise.

After dropping off my auntie, I called shotgun and we drove off to the computer shop. I told him that we should just buy either item first and not both, because he's planning for his baby's dedication which he estimates he'd be spending $1000+. It's still in May. But whatever. It's just that it won't be nowhere complete anyway after spending these two items, so why bother spending that much? It seems that nothing would deter my cousin and that he fell in love with the mobo. He said that it's fine to spend that much, $600+. It's his call. I just wanted to give my two cents. On the other hand, I tagged along because I wanted to look for them illuminated keyboards with fans.

I don't see myself spending that much; if I did, I would be shopping for a gaming laptop or pc around that price range. It's his dream computer, so that's why he wants to make it sexy. When we arrived at the computer shop, I wondered personally why there was a lot of people there in a Sunday. It looked really busy for a Sunday. Where did they come from? Why did they decide to go there altogether? I just wondered. We looked for the Thermaltake keyboards first. My cousin originally thought I'd just be browsing for a keyboard and he wouldn't know my intention. We couldn't find the keyboards up front so we decided to fall in queue. Dang, lots of people-- I keep telling myself.

When it was our turn, he approached the cashier and asked about the mobo and the processor. Lo and behold, I saw sadness on his eyes, the sheer disappointment, when the clerk told him that the mobo was sold out. They still carried the processor. But to be frank, I think he'd rather choose that the processor be sold out and not the motherboard. Check it out at his post @ Fox Daily - 15/333. Hey, I'm still standing on queue behind him so I might as well ask about the keyboard I'm looking for. I asked him to search for both models as I was undecided between two. He said that one of the two was in stock while he was unsure with the other. That's when I told the clerk that I wanted one of each. Just when I had given an opinion to take it easy on my cousin, I was lurking to grab two gaming keyboards at once. Well, they're not that expensive.

Unfortunately, I convinced myself that I was just experiencing buyer's impulse. And since we're still going back to get the mobo at a later date and with another payday expected during that later date, I held myself back. We left with a processor in hand. Around 4:50pm, we looked at each other where else would we spend this fine grayish afternoon. Well malls close at 6pm on Sundays, so we decided to waste the one hour at Polo Park until it closes.

Getting there was no problem. Parking was no problem. We walked inside, but there was an odd fellow talking to himself at the entrance. Whatever. We were supposed to eat at Polo Park, but I said that we'll just eat somewhere else, because my sister wants to be happy with a McDonald's takeout. She's simple. I said okay. Inside the mall, we went straight to the shoe store. I want new shoes too, so I'm doing my advanced canvassing. Then I would report this to my dad so he'd buy the shoes for me. Brilliant. While we were there, my cousin and I both argued and debated as to what buy 1 item get 1 item for 50% meant. He said that if we'd buy one shoe, we'd get the other shoe for 50%. I insisted that if we buy a pair of shoes, we'd get a 50% discount on the other pair. Since we were just looking around, nobody bothered to ask the clerks.

Before leaving, I had to stop to the videogame store. I couldn't make up my mind, but I wanted to have those PS Vita power grip. Instead of standing inside the store, my cousin said he wanted to step out a bit so he could go to Starbucks. He asked if I wanted something and it's his treat. So I decided to go along with his plan; I had no choice, he was very persuasive. I just told him to get whatever he's getting. I'm not really fancy. I picked up a PS3 game and one of those expensive plastic grips for my PS Vita, since I can't find that power grip. The power grip is a PSV attachment that would provide grip and 50% more battery for the PSVita; it's convenient to have and it's just $10 more to this plastic grip. It's just a plastic grip, but whenever I play on my PSV, my hands get tired. The clerk remarked that I like playing JRPGs and gave me a hint where to buy the collector's edition of Ys: Memories of Celcetta. Not telling where.

All that walking and talking and we left around 5:30pm. We didn't even make it to the mall's closing. It's just the two of us guys. What do you expect?

It was time to eat, but my cousin called my other cousin. We had picked him up around 6pm. He was asking where we were going. I told him, I don't really know. Maybe we could go to St. Vital and eat there. We were looking for another place to call home. So we drove around in circles, and found nothing. We also called my older brother, and he'd probably have no choice but to feed us when we get to their apartment. But he's smart and he didn't answer the phone. So in the end, we went back to downtown and ate there. We drove far and then we went back. It's just the usual. We changed our minds in the last minute and ate at KG -- we were going to St. James initially after our failed expedition in St. Vital.

The three of us talked and talked. We ordered the usual. I insisted my other cousin, the guy who just joined us, to go back to school and finish. I told him I'd do his homework for him. But he's too exhausted to go back to that routine, I guess. He's currently looking for a stable job. Our order arrived around 7:40pm. It was good. I was so full. I mean I already had that choco latte from Starbucks. After our lengthy talk and our meal, we went home. But then I remembered that my sister wanted to have carbs in her body, so I asked to drive to McDonald's first. As for me, I couldn't look at the food in the paperbag anymore. I was really full. And so did my cousin driver. I only bought a vanilla milkshake for myself, and I put that in the fridge after sipping it for a little while. We dropped off my other cousin first. Then we drove to my house.

I just gave everything to the folks waiting at home. My dad got his share and so did my little cousin who was being babysat at home. My driver cousin was also too full, and I wondered why he even bothered to exchange his gift coupon. But that was because he could give the sandwich to the folks here. My little cousin wanted to have the chocolate hot fudge from him, but he wouldn't agree. That's what he wanted to have at the first place. She had the Big Mac and the world was in peace. I was so full. So high too.

While waiting for 9:10pm to pick up my auntie from St. Amant, a pleasant surprise buzzed on my Facebook. My cousin got to hitch a ride on the cheese wagon, while I chat online with a girl that has laid claim a special place in my heart. Like I said. Cheese. He watched me talk to her. I gave him some pointers, because I knew what I'm doing-- probably. Or perhaps he knew that I was spelling my doom. And he wanted to see a train wreck. Haha. We just had a casual chat.

9:10pm, we also had a meeting for our MMO venture. Sigh. Alas, nobody was online. Except for my driver cousin, but he was still on the road while I asked if anyone was online. So I told him not to bother. No one made it to the chat. So it's going to pend to another date. If we keep this up, we might have problems.

This was my Sunday. It was fun and it's the kind of Sunday that I need. It's because tomorrow is a holiday too. At least for me.

Labels: 365-project, blogs

Saturday morning. When I opened my laptop and my Facebook, I found a pleasant surprise that gave me a huge smile. The package was sent successfully. The song 'Let Faith Arise - by Chris Tomlin' played inside my head. I had this huge smile on my face, and I still had a bedhead. Well, my laptop is just an arm's reach from where I sleep. I talked to her a bit. She was wondering why I sounded serious everytime we chat. She doesn't know that I wasn't even trying to be serious and that I make myself laugh at the things I type on the screen. Perhaps it does come off stiff when I talk to her in English? My mind could reply faster when writing in English. I respond faster in Filipino when talking to a fellow Filipino. But I just shake my head how I'm in love with this girl. It's just spontaneous. I told myself, Ah, it's that feeling again. But this time it's totally different. I mean, the distance itself is an obstacle, but I don't care. I don't really care; as long as I get the chance to see her. Or even get to chat, it's really fine. Despite all these questions and uncertainties, I understand what I'm going through. Only God knows how long, but I've waited for a long time already and all that wait, I've become patient. Love is patient, right? That's why distance isn't an obstacle-- for me. Even on FB it's fine. But even if I'm somewhere far, she could rest assured. I mean, there's no one here for me anyway; except her back home.

I felt like I could go to work properly. It turned out that we had work until 4pm only but it was monotonous. I badly wanted to go home fast. In the end, the shift wrapped up properly. Since I wrapped up early, I left the office without any hurry. I had spare change with me, and it wasn't really cold outside. I walked to the cafe, ordered hot chocolate, took a seat on the couch, and browsed the web to check my Facebook again. I was hoping something new would give a smile again. 4:50pm I left the cafe and boarded the bus. There was this obnoxious guy in the bus and I just wanted to leave already. Nothing disruptive happened.

I fasted until 6pm again. When I went home, mom told me that we were going to eat at my auntie's house. I had to tell them to wait a bit, because I was having a chat with someone important. It was a crucial chat. I just grabbed my laptop with me. Over there, my cousin was tinkering with his order as he was purchasing a motherboard and a processor. I was also browsing gaming keyboards. I wanted that certain illuminated keyboard with a fan. We went home around 9pm with stomachs full.

Labels: 365-project

It's Valentine's Day, everybody. The package has been sent and I'm eagerly anticipating for her to receive it. That was my plan. I had to contact some of my relatives at home so they can order stuff for me and give it to a special someone in the Philippines. I hope I did a good thing.

For me, it's also that time of the year where I write at least 14 literary entries across all my boards. I think back to last year where I wrote on the spot. I didn't know I was more creative back then, because I've already prepared some entries leading up to today, I still had a hard time coming up with 7 more entries.

I couldn't stay still today. I was restless, I tell you. I tried to relax, and I think I was only able to do a little bit of relaxing. February 14 is ending and my friend who would help me deliver it to her is still not replying. Sigh. And then work tomorrow.

Labels: 365-project

I was able to do what I needed today. I woke up from a sweet dream that gave me adrenaline and then I prayed. Looking back, it has been difficult for me these past 5 days. I played Starcraft 2 online and 2 out of 3 matches. Then I had to go outside and cleared the path from so much snow. I started to wonder where I'd be putting all the snow in our yard, because there's so much snow already. It's piling up again on the sidewalk when they just cleared it a few days ago.

I went back inside after 15 minutes of shoveling. Then I came back to my room and started web designing another website template. The layout this time is very experimental. I got tired around 5pm and I lied down.

I woke up and opened my laptop to browse the web and check out my Facebook. Then I opened my Xbox 360 and played Gears of Wars 3 with my laptop on on one side. My brother and my sister-in-law dropped by around 6pm. They had dinner over. My brother popped his head in my room and told me that dinner was ready.

I like shrimps. I prefer seafood over pork. We talked about how it's the February and about Valentine's Day. They've also started planning for the summer vacation. Quite frankly, I don't know how to respond about how I'd be spending my summer yet. I just don't know. Played COD Ghosts on my PS4 while they were waiting for their take home food.

We were supposed to have a meeting at 11pm about our MMO venture, but almost no one was available. I just said, "Oh well." And then I retired to my room. It's one of those easy Thursdays at home.

Labels: 365-project

Wednesday. I just have to survive this day, I thought. I woke up 2pm, and my mom left to visit my uncle for his birthday. Auntie gave me udon and curry for tonight's dinner. It's good. I like curry, but I prefer seafood curry. She makes nice udon too. But I like her tamagoyaki that she makes; they're soft and sweet.

I came to work early today. Snow was blowing and apparently there's a snow storm warning in place. Nevertheless, I had no luxury to be lazy. Work was okay. It was less productive than yesterday, but it was still productive. I was just shaking my head at how the HR never asked what was wrong with me when they counted the canceled shifts I've made. I was depressed back then. But things look to improve.

They allowed us to leave work early. When I left work, some guy was sleeping in the stairwell. I was in a hurry to my bus. I gave him bus fare. It looks like he was taking shelter from this cold winter in the warm stairwell. When I got out, it was cold indeed. The snow was blowing and I could only look down on the pavement while I was walking. The snow was blowing on my face, it was hard to see. Good thing the bus was on time.

When I came home, I felt relieved. I mean, I've been struggling for some days off. I'm going to need to use these two days properly. I get Monday off as well. So I'll have 3 days off after Saturday. I need all of those days so I can tune my mindset not to quit work. I admit that I'm not having fun at work. But I have no choice but to endure until I get the savings I need for everything.

It's almost Valentine's Day.

Labels: 365-project

There's obviously a trend here. But I hope that things improve. My motivation that is. I can't seem to shake off this slump. I changed my schedule so I can take next Monday off. And I'm inclined to take a 1 week vacation early. What's stopping me is that I may be deciding too early. But I'll know after next week.

What bummed me today is the letter that I received from HR. However I found an error in their letter and so I don't know if that error would affect my issue at all. They took it back. Either way, I feel indifferent. The irony is that their letter is tempting me to quit my job instead of fixing myself. I really don't know why I just can't go back to my normal mindset. Maybe I really am tired of my job. I could only shake my head at myself and at my circumstances.

It was a difficult Tuesday, but it was very productive. Hey, I'm a reliable man. But this is the only time that I've truly felt I want to escape from my work. I have to address this first or else my performance will become worse. Like I said to my boss, I can't wait for summer.

Labels: 365-project

Monday. It was unsettling. I badly need some vacation time. But work didn't call me about anything. I played a session of M&B and I called my cousin to pick me up at 6pm so I can go to my auntie's house. I'm back on godfather duty and I missed the dedication this past Saturday. We went to the bank first to withdraw and I thought I'd forgotten my pair of gloves there. They were missing in the car, but I just ignored them and continued on our way to auntie Zon's. We stayed there until 8pm while watching NBA and playing with all the infants. My other cousin looks like he's bored in life. I envy him a little, because I just think he's on his break. When we decided to go home, I decided to check the backseat for my gloves, because of a weird feeling. Lo and behold I found them on the floor at the back. I'm sentimental. We came home. Watched TV with my family, played Ghost on the PS4, and ate kare-kare. Slept early around 9:30pm.

Labels: 365-project

It was an experimental Sunday. I thought wrong. I thought I'd be able to overcome myself, but I didn't. I was just honest and I thoroughly felt sick to be at work, so I called in sick instead. I didn't want to work on a Sunday. I'm willing to face the consequences, because I felt that I wanted to spend the time with my family instead. I woke up 8am. I couldn't go back to sleep then. Around 12pm, I lost motivation and I felt emotionally sick. I wanted to go outside with my family and we did.

My contacts in the Philippines has reserved my order. I'm highly anticipating the day later this week. You know what I'm talking about. I pray that everything goes well and in order.

We also had a meeting for our MMO venture. It looks good, although I'm taken back a bit with the running costs. Let's see what happens in June. I've already mentioned that I want to go home. So there's that financial plan as well.

I feel like a mess today. I made a mess, but I want to know what God's grace is. I just put my faith in Him despite my weakness and my mistakes. He knows what I'm feeling, so I'm not real worried. I could only sigh at this discomfort.

Labels: 365-project

I feel like a wreck. I'm anticipating a difficult weekend. With this exhausted and cynic feeling latched on my back, I can't help feel really bummed and sad about today. The goal is just to endure until Sunday evening. I have work today and Sunday. I've told my case to my mom what's happening to me and I think she understands what's happening to me. I got no motivation at all. I really don't want to go to work today or tomorrow; it's like an established fact in my head. I gotta to change it. But how? This is my recording as of 7am.

I heard my mom, dad and my sister's footsteps, because my older brother's treating them breakfast. Afterwards, they'll be going to a baby's dedication and there will be more food there. I could only lie on my bed and cry in a corner, because I have to work. I tell ya' I was an inch close to calling in sick again. But if I do, I'll be working two Sundays, which is not good for my health. Heck, this work is not good for my health. My emotional health, that is.

I haven't eaten anything since yesterday afternoon. Today's going to be a straight up fasting day. I'm fasting, because it helps me think of things that I don't normally perceive. I want something else besides food. I want to experience an epiphany. I want to find out how today would unfold -- with my stomach empty for almost 24 hours. It's like a situation wherein that I could say, "Oh no. I haven't eaten anything, how will God provide for me?" I'm putting my faith and testing God's grace, because I'm trying to expand my spiritual comfort zone.

I had another one of those movie moments. With my empty stomach, I had to run to the bus stop because I was running late for my morning bus. If I miss this bus, I'll be late for work for waiting for the next bus.

I had a last ditch effort of motivation just telling myself that it's just going to be like this for two days. What bums me is I'll be repeating this process on Tuesday and Wednesday. The Monday day off is a makeup day for missing out my responsibilities on other things.

Work actually ended at 4:30pm, instead of 6pm. Instead of feeling happy, I felt the dread that I'm going to do this again tomorrow. Today was really a difficult day for me. Tomorrow would be extra difficult because it's a Sunday. And I especially don't want to work on a Sunday. Almost everybody knows it's not a good day to work on a Sunday. But because I have to make up for my missed shifts, I have no choice but to endure another round. I can't really stress how difficult today was. Despite that we left early, the time was super slow, and I was cranky. But I didn't mess anything. My day went somewhat well. I'm just glad the half is over. Really glad.

I came home around 5pm. I wouldn't eat for another hour, but I wasn't complaining. If I didn't go to work today, I would've gone to a feast. I remembered. But that's all in the past. I played a game of dota, ate, web-designed, and read some manga. I feel better now. The most difficult part of today was the first two hours. Oh, boy. I thought I was out of my mind for being in the center. I wonder if it'll be the same dread for the first two hours of tomorrow's work. I really just can't wait to finish tomorrow's shift. I just want to finish it. Then Monday's day off. And then repeat, another two days of work, before I could really rest and relax, and do what I want to do. I'm paralyzed, eh? This is why I want to quit my job. But I need the money so I can take a vacation home. It's another cliche moment again: work hard and endure.

Oh yeah. February 14 is around the corner.

Labels: 365-project

My Thursday was ruined, but I didn't want my Friday to get ruined as well. I tried my best to have 'fun', and stay out of the slump. I explained to mom why I was feeling down. I'm just not feeling anything. It's like I'm numb and I'm willing to receive the consequences of making a mistake. It's like that-- I'd rather take the punishment rather than doing what's right. I find that dumb and I wonder why I would be choosing such a path. I don't feel like doing anything plays in my mind. I shake my head at how stupid it looks. This is depression again, perhaps. I just want to live life differently.

Labels: 365-project

All I can say is that it's a miserable Thursday.

Labels: 365-project

It's Wednesday. I went to work and it was a pretty normal shift. I got tired around 7:30pm and it felt like time became super slow. I came home around 10:30pm when my bus got delayed a bit. I had anticipated that my dad would've transferred my money home, but he didn't yet. I'm in for a mess tomorrow, because I'm planning to drop my course. I hope they understand that I'm having a hard time right now.

Labels: 365-project

I started the day with a bit of dread inside, which is unbelievable. I'm trying to overcome myself out of getting lazy. I think I'm getting lazy -- that's it. And I think my work is dreadful to the point that it's paralyzing. I won't do anything that I'd enjoy, because I know I'll be left hanging and that I have to work tomorrow. Do you know that feeling? It's stupid and I get nothing done. It's idiotic. I want to beat myself up, because of such mindset. I gotta get my mind out of the gutter.

Today's work isn't bad if it wasn't for my equipment. Anyway, I just need to survive today and tomorrow, and get some rest on Thursday and Friday, because I'm working on the weekends again. Bleah.

I'm inching closer to dropping my course. Say it ain't so. If I knew I'd get this slumped, I wouldn't be registering for anything this winter term. I can still finish within two years and get two diplomas. I badly need to refresh myself.

Also, I need to get productive with my literature. I want to start this new novel, but I'm having a conflict with my characters and my plots. I'm pleased with all my other novels as they're left open ended and flexible. But this novel, I call it Project X, has made me fall in love with the characters I've created and I think I want to make the story happen. The setting is the contemporary world and it has romantic elements in it. It's an action story, not a cheesy love story. I'm still tilting my head how I would approach writing the story.

I left the office at 10pm and arrived at home around 10:20pm. We needed to go to the bank so I could send money to my grandma, and to my contacts for the February 'package'.

Thank God again that, according to a second opinion, my grandma is not going to have the surgery. Instead, the doctor recommended that she'd take medications. He's the same doctor that helped my godfather back to work after suffering from a heart attack; it left him immobile, but now he's back to work.

My grandma's having a hard time walking, complaining severe pain on her hip and her back. Initially, the first doctor recommended her to receive a surgery. However, according to her MRI results, the second doctor says that they could treat her with medications. Moreover, the second doctor explained that my grandma's too old for surgery. It's an answered prayer, because my dad is concerned about where he'd get the money to pay the expenses, $7500.

I rode with my dad on our way to fetch mom from work. Apparently, they're laying off people again in the night shift. This issue happens every year. I'm not worried. We're not worried. We came home, ate dinner, and then we watched an Animal Planet show. This is my Tuesday.

Labels: 365-project

There was no webdesign today, yesterday and this past Saturday. I just lied on my bed most of the day. I didn't sleep late too. It feels like I'm having the slowest start in my life ever. Bed. All day. Wow.

I've been able to talk to my contacts today for my February package. It should give me a boost in morale, because I feel excited. But I don't know why I don't feel inspired enough to overcome this slump. I'm thinking of dropping my course to be honest. It's that bad. I'm tired and all. Until now, I'm trying to determine what is wrong with me. It feels like I just lost interest in it and I'm just looking forward to going home for my vacation. February just started and I'm struggling. I can't wait for summer.

Another thing is, I'm concerned about our MMO project this June. I can't say that I'm impressed about our plan, but I really want to experience the feeling of running an MMO server. I'd rather run two MMOs in one server, because we're looking at an expensive running cost, about $200 a month to rent a server. And now we have a problem, because we need a PHP coder. There isn't one in the team. It looks like we're going to have to pay for someone's skills. I just sigh, because I have a feeling it would be more expensive than the server's rents. And we're particularly picky. Frankly, I am particular. The coder has to be someone I know.

Labels: 365-project

I told myself I'd go to church today. I'm glad I did. I was supposed to work today and I'm ever grateful that they canceled it. I had to thank God for His grace and today's His day anyway. After church, I just laid back and took it easy. I was happy that I had no work.

Today's the superbowl too. Seattle Seahawks had a blowout. They beat the Broncos 43 to 8. I'm still rooting for the 49ers next year. I'm glad the Seahawks won, even though they beat my 49ers in the semis. I'm expected to go to Rogers with my brother tomorrow so they can renew my cellphone contract. I don't care about cellphones really. As long as I have something to use for text messages and for calls, any cellphone is fine.

Labels: 365-project

I woke up at 4am. I opened my laptop so I could try to get myself back to sleep. I read manga and watched clips on Youtube. Then I went upstairs, because I was feeling a little bit hungry. After eating, I went back to my room to calm myself. Is it really calming myself? I wonder. I read some chapters from different mangas, but I still couldn't sleep. Then I started reading some of my old literature. I thought I was getting drowsy again around 6am, but it wasn't working. I felt like I'm reverting into something else when I felt like I didn't want to leave home.

7am, I closed my laptop. I still couldn't sleep or close my eyes. I've had this terrible feeling of debate what I would do today. Whether to go to work or not. It's terrible, I'm telling you. I'm feeling like I'm distancing myself from reality. I'm living in denial. And so it hit me: this might be depression reeling its ugly head again. I want to remember this feeling. I want to write it down, because I want to read it later this evening. It feels like I want to quit my job. I'm already slumped at school. It's winter, this is how I am during winter. I'm not a winter person, but it's not that I hate winter. I just want to be snugly and warm inside the comfort of my room, while being surrounded by the gadgets that I bought. It's like I wonder why I can't enjoy these stuff now. Maybe the lapses are to blame. I can't enjoy the 'free' time that I have.

I can't really explain why, but today has been difficult for me. For one, there's the issue of money again. I don't like talking about money, because I think I'm having an epiphany about it. I get no satisfaction from money. Like I'm wondering why I'm having a hard time staying happy in life. I know I get depressed, and I think I'm getting a better handle of things, but I shake my head that I can't enjoy the fruits of my labour. I may need some perspective check on life in general. I have this nagging feeling that I should leave school and work for a while, because I've suddenly lost interest in doing things.

It sounds simpler than you think, because I'm bored and I want to travel. Why? And why do I have to worry about my relatives back at home? Don't get me wrong, I'd love to help, and I currently help out, but whenever I earn money, there's always issues at home that somehow call out to me. I'm not obligated to give money or it's out of my responsibility, but I'd feel terrible of not contributing.

I think I've spread myself too thin on managing my websites. But the truth is just that I'm not able to follow up on updating on my content. It doesn't mean I'm quitting though.

My cousin came over to show me a demo of our MMO game. In my opinion, the June launch is a good date. He has a lot of things to fix regarding the system files. The sound stutters, and sometimes the game fails to launch. I also noticed that the game crashes when it closes. There's a lot of ironing to do and a lot of things to discuss. Around 7pm, we went outside to eat. Another problem arose when he said that we need a PHP coder for the platform. Apparently, no one knows PHP among us. We will need to integrate these to our database. We have the people for everything else, such as someone in charge with handling the funds, someone in charge with events, and someone in charge with the server files.

Around 8pm, I'm expected to talk to my folks in the Philippines via Skype; it's Sunday 10am at their time. I've finalized my plans. I'm just going to send the money home. It was a difficult Saturday to be honest. Nevertheless, it's finally February.

Labels: 365-project